How to “Fight” Fair: 3 Strategies to Strengthen Your Relationship Through Effective Communication With Your Partner

When we connect intimately and vulnerably with another person, disagreements, difficult emotions, and tense conversations become inevitable. Instead of viewing conflict as something to fear, consider it an opportunity for growth and deepening connection. Though it isn’t always easy, addressing conflict constructively or bringing up difficult issues with intentionality can lead to a better understanding of ourselves and our partners. Having a strategy for healthy conflict can not only save a relationship but also help you get what you need and grow closer to your partner. There is something very powerful in feeling truly seen and heard and weathering a storm together as a partnership.

Strategies for Healthy Conflict or Effective Communication in Relationships

Strategy 1: Practice Being Open About What You Are Feeling or Need—Your Partner Can’t Read Your Mind

Love does not entail expecting our partner to intuitively know how we feel and what we need without us expressing it. Holding onto this belief can foster negative feelings and behavior patterns in relationships. Withholding your feelings can lead to unmet needs, resentment, frustration, and recurring arguments. By practicing self-awareness and communicating your needs to your partner, you allow yourself to be vulnerable and enhance connection and satisfaction in the relationship.

Strategy 2: Understand the Difference Between the Topic and the Core Issue

During communication, it's common to get caught up in the surface topic and overlook the underlying issue. For instance, if we focus on the towels being left on the floor, someone not calling when they said they would, or not being thanked often enough, we might get caught up in each person defending their position versus identifying the core issue. Examples of underlying concerns or core issues might include feeling unsupported, undervalued, insecure, overwhelmed, or needing more connection, consistency, or reassurance. Once we identify the primary issue, we are better able to tackle conversations around the problem and work toward resolution. 

Strategy 3: Tackle the Issue Together, Not Each Other—It's the Two of You Against the Problem

Effective communication involves ensuring that each person feels heard, understood, and respected. During arguments, it's easy to become defensive and concentrate on our responses rather than actively listening to our partner. This can lead to frustration and circular discussions with no resolution in sight.

Planning and practicing “fair fighting” or healthy communication can help maintain presence, active listening, and mutual understanding of perspectives. However, expecting flawless communication at all times is unrealistic! If you notice defensiveness, withdrawal, or escalating frustration, it's never too late to pause, reflect, and realign the conversation's objectives.

Tips for Communicating With Your Partner

• Validate Your Partner's Experience: Even if you don't fully agree or understand, validating your partner's feelings can foster a safe dialogue.

• Summarize Before Responding: Restating what your partner has shared can deepen your understanding and prevent misinterpretation.

• Schedule Relationship Check-Ins: Setting aside dedicated time for discussions can help approach conversations with clarity and intentionality, addressing needs and fostering effective communication. This might help alleviate feeling caught off guard or having difficult conversations at times that feel more overwhelming and less constructive. 

Therapy can provide a supportive space to explore underlying issues, emotions, relationship needs, and healthy communication strategies, thereby deepening your connection with your partner. To learn more about how I can support you in achieving your relationship goals, you can schedule a 15-minute consultation call here.